Homeless

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Not in the physical sense, but in the sense of love. I don’t know love any more. I sometimes wish more than anything that someone would come into my life and see all the pieces of me and love them. I mean all of them too: my bitter anger, my sweet kindness, my warm affection, my cold winter-born tears of sadness, my bubbly laughter and bright joy, my dark sorrow, my curiosity, my fiesty energy. But every time I think someone understands me, I’m abandoned and left behind. Everyone goes away in the end, I don’t know why I ever expect any one to want to stay. Even if they do try I tend to push them away because I know I’m too needy. I need reassurance all the time that I am valued and cherished. My mind still tells me I’m a bother, that no one really likes me, that they will all get tired of me and leave.

I just want love, and I know I don’t need it to be completed. I am okay by myself most of the time but sometimes I just want someone to hold me and take away my loneliness. Sometimes at night I just want someone to kiss before going to sleep. Am I so unlovable? I don’t think I’m so bad but I still feel like no one will ever see the inside of my heart and love it the way that I deserve. I am so tired of lovers that don’t love me the way that I love them. I am far too tired to keep fighting everyone off that has mal intent when it comes to my heart. Why don’t people just love with all their hearts any more? Am I the only one that gives their all any more? Maybe that’s my mistake, maybe I’m giving too much of myself. For once I just really want someone to persue me, instead of me trying to win someone over they should be the ones to seek my heart as their prize. I don’t see that ever happening tho, I am meant to be alone forever I guess ğŸ˜ž

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What’s the point?

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I’m sitting here thinking about romantic love and it feels so pointless and useless to me. I don’t see why I should ever open my heart up to any one ever again. The last time I even tried I was rejected after getting my hopes up that for once someone understood me. I know I’m not perfect and I’m trying hard to be better, stronger. However I just can’t imagine any one ever being able to see everything in me and still love me, broken pieces and all. 

I once had someone that loved me even when it was hard, but how can you continue to love someone that hurts you? I actually thanked Marc the other night when I was mourning my eternally broken heart. I told him, “thank you for loving me even when it wasn’t easy,” and he told me, “loving you was always easy for me, I’m sorry for messing everything up,” and that’s when I really started to cry. I have long since forgiven him for everything he did that hurt me so deeply because I know that his sex addiction was in control more often than he ever was. I know we’re better as friends now but what we once had was beautiful. I just don’t think I’ll ever have that again.

There’s a song that I’ve been playing on repeat lately, and it’s called Hurricane. She sings about ‘breaking down from breaking in’, and says, “give me the wings to fly”. I know I am the only one that can give myself the wings that I need to fly. I don’t expect any one to be able to “fix” me because I know that is my own responsibility. It also feels like too much to ask that any one even stick by me through trying to heal these wounds and still love me even when I’m an irrational, emotional mess. I feel like the right person loving me and showing me that romantic love doesn’t have to hurt would help in my healing process by leaps and bounds. I also can’t imagine finding any one that can do that that I connect with on a deeper level; the odds of that happening just seem improbable – impossible even.

Am I really so broken that it’s that awful and intolerable? That’s certainly how I feel after having been dumped after an anxiety attack gone awry. I’m trying so hard to tell myself that the right person will understand and not push me away but I also feel like that person simply does not exist. 

I really think I should just give up. After all, it’s my desire to be loved and accepted that got me all this excess emotional damage to begin with. I pushed for Marc to love me and while I know he truly did, it was an unhealthy relationship that I should have left much sooner. It’s my endless faith and hope in the glimpses of good that I see in people that has hurt me so much. I never wanted to give up hope that Marc would be the man that I needed him to be, or that Colton would love and accept me the way that I am. But they both abused me emotionally in their own ways (unintentionally and intentionally, respectively) and left me with more wounds to cope with. I let them cut me and then stayed to watch myself bleed hoping for a different end result. I guess that’s insanity, repeating the same action hoping for a different reaction.

I don’t really know how to proceed when it comes to romantic love. I suppose it doesn’t even matter given there’s no one in my life that could even love me that way. There is only one person that I know understands me and accepts me as is, but he has long since given up on romantic love. I don’t blame him at all, I really should just do the same myself because there’s no hope for me in the end. All I truly have is myself and my child, I should consider myself lucky to even have known the unconditional love of my daughter and my father. Romantic love at this point just seems like something magical and truly only exists in movies and fictional pieces of literature. I see couples that are happy and have a great relationship but I know that’s just not my fate.

I wish I could say that I don’t believe in myself, or that I think I’m worthless. But I’m so far past that train of thought after learning to move past the emotional abuse that my mother put me through. I know I have improvements to make but I still know my own worth at the end of the day. My anxiety from my emotional abuse sometimes skews that view but I guess it’s more of a feeling that I’m simply too hard to understand. There’s very few people in my life that I feel like really and truly understand me. So to expect a lover to ever be on that level of understanding just seems stupid to me. Why should any one want to put up with my neurotic bull shit long enough to see the good in me? What’s the point in having a good heart when it’s always too broken for any one to love?

I don’t know what else to say any more. I relate so much to the part of Hurricane where she says, “it’s impossible for what’s left of this to be saved and it’s sinking in that my being here’s a mistake; erase – forget I was here.”

Burn

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I look back on everything and realize how foolish I’ve been. I can’t​ stop thinking about it all and all I can hope is that you get what you deserve.

I’m not jealous at all. Maybe a little at first but the truth is you don’t love Sami. You never loved me, and you never loved Charity either. In fact the only person that you know how to love is yourself. You, Colton Emil Edward Nelson, are a textbook case of narcissistic personality disorder.

I was just a toy to you. Someone that fell in love with you so hard that you knew you could drag me through hell and back just for fun. You know what the worst part is? Having to explain to my daughter that you were no better than Prince Hans of the Southern Isles. She’s only four, but she has seen Frozen enough times to understand that you only pretended to be nice to use me.

I guess I just don’t understand. I mean yeah I get using me for sex (even tho it was only twice and it was terrible, you’re very selfish even in bed) but the emotional abuse I just don’t understand. Why? Did you get some sort of sick satisfaction demanding things of me and then accusing me of not doing them? Was it fun to make me tell you that I loved you when you didn’t love me? Did it make you feel good about yourself that you had power over me? That’s all love is to you – power. And just like money, you love power and don’t care who you destroy to stroke your own ego.

I’m not sure if anything you told me was the truth now. I bet there’s no real ranch, you were never in the military and you probably assaulted Charity that time that I bailed you out of jail. Oh and for the record I still want my fucking bail money back. Because unlike you, I’m not a spoiled brat with money to wipe my ass with. Unlike you I’m a real human being with a real heart that you tried to destroy. Well guess what? You didn’t and I feel sorry for Sami and her kids. They’re going to watch you abuse her psychologically and emotionally and think that it’s acceptable behavior in a relationship.

You’ve taught me a few things tho. First of all to be weary of the charming men who will “do anything” to make me “theirs”. Funny how that didn’t work out for you considering I was never going to be a full doormat and change for you. Second of all I’ve learned that my daughter deserves to see me with a REAL man that won’t disrespect me or call me names or treat me like shit all while talking to someone else and pretending to love me.

You’re nothing but an immature child, and I hope one day you’ll stop destroying the women you pretend to love. Maybe one day you’ll get the mental help you so desperately need and learn how to actually love someone without abusing them. 

Oh and you know what? I did actually cheat on you with Eric, on Christmas night to be exact. That’s the sad part, you hurt me so much and pushed me so far away that I wanted so badly to hurt you back. Guess it’s a good thing you never really loved me any way, otherwise you might have actually been hurt by that. But you have no heart, so you can’t be hurt. Now that you’re gone, you’re never going to hurt me again and I’m so happy you have no power over me any more.

Again, I just hope you get what you deserve…

Over

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It’s hard to believe that it’s really over. I need to let go but I am terrified because everything that you told me was a lie. I’m so afraid of getting fooled again and the universe knows I’m the biggest fool in the world for listening to you for so long. I wish I’d never believed in you. You pretended to be different and you were just the same as the rest. My heart is even more broken than I thought was possible because you saw my weakness and went in for the kill. I was such an easy target for you and I can’t believe I never saw you for what you really are until it was too late. I wish I could erase you from everything but instead I’m left choking on your toxic poison for the last time.