What’s the point?

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I’m sitting here thinking about romantic love and it feels so pointless and useless to me. I don’t see why I should ever open my heart up to any one ever again. The last time I even tried I was rejected after getting my hopes up that for once someone understood me. I know I’m not perfect and I’m trying hard to be better, stronger. However I just can’t imagine any one ever being able to see everything in me and still love me, broken pieces and all. 

I once had someone that loved me even when it was hard, but how can you continue to love someone that hurts you? I actually thanked Marc the other night when I was mourning my eternally broken heart. I told him, “thank you for loving me even when it wasn’t easy,” and he told me, “loving you was always easy for me, I’m sorry for messing everything up,” and that’s when I really started to cry. I have long since forgiven him for everything he did that hurt me so deeply because I know that his sex addiction was in control more often than he ever was. I know we’re better as friends now but what we once had was beautiful. I just don’t think I’ll ever have that again.

There’s a song that I’ve been playing on repeat lately, and it’s called Hurricane. She sings about ‘breaking down from breaking in’, and says, “give me the wings to fly”. I know I am the only one that can give myself the wings that I need to fly. I don’t expect any one to be able to “fix” me because I know that is my own responsibility. It also feels like too much to ask that any one even stick by me through trying to heal these wounds and still love me even when I’m an irrational, emotional mess. I feel like the right person loving me and showing me that romantic love doesn’t have to hurt would help in my healing process by leaps and bounds. I also can’t imagine finding any one that can do that that I connect with on a deeper level; the odds of that happening just seem improbable – impossible even.

Am I really so broken that it’s that awful and intolerable? That’s certainly how I feel after having been dumped after an anxiety attack gone awry. I’m trying so hard to tell myself that the right person will understand and not push me away but I also feel like that person simply does not exist. 

I really think I should just give up. After all, it’s my desire to be loved and accepted that got me all this excess emotional damage to begin with. I pushed for Marc to love me and while I know he truly did, it was an unhealthy relationship that I should have left much sooner. It’s my endless faith and hope in the glimpses of good that I see in people that has hurt me so much. I never wanted to give up hope that Marc would be the man that I needed him to be, or that Colton would love and accept me the way that I am. But they both abused me emotionally in their own ways (unintentionally and intentionally, respectively) and left me with more wounds to cope with. I let them cut me and then stayed to watch myself bleed hoping for a different end result. I guess that’s insanity, repeating the same action hoping for a different reaction.

I don’t really know how to proceed when it comes to romantic love. I suppose it doesn’t even matter given there’s no one in my life that could even love me that way. There is only one person that I know understands me and accepts me as is, but he has long since given up on romantic love. I don’t blame him at all, I really should just do the same myself because there’s no hope for me in the end. All I truly have is myself and my child, I should consider myself lucky to even have known the unconditional love of my daughter and my father. Romantic love at this point just seems like something magical and truly only exists in movies and fictional pieces of literature. I see couples that are happy and have a great relationship but I know that’s just not my fate.

I wish I could say that I don’t believe in myself, or that I think I’m worthless. But I’m so far past that train of thought after learning to move past the emotional abuse that my mother put me through. I know I have improvements to make but I still know my own worth at the end of the day. My anxiety from my emotional abuse sometimes skews that view but I guess it’s more of a feeling that I’m simply too hard to understand. There’s very few people in my life that I feel like really and truly understand me. So to expect a lover to ever be on that level of understanding just seems stupid to me. Why should any one want to put up with my neurotic bull shit long enough to see the good in me? What’s the point in having a good heart when it’s always too broken for any one to love?

I don’t know what else to say any more. I relate so much to the part of Hurricane where she says, “it’s impossible for what’s left of this to be saved and it’s sinking in that my being here’s a mistake; erase – forget I was here.”

The Things I Want You to Know

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I don’t even know where to begin. I could start by apologizing again, but I don’t think that does any good. I’m sure you’re throughly convinced that I’m bat shit crazy and I’m not sure if there’s anything I can do to change your mind on that. I don’t believe bat shit crazy is really the right term but broken definitely fits.

I’m really disappointed in myself. I know now that there’s no point in trying to date any one ever again. I just wish more than anything that I hadn’t ruined my chances with you. I wish it could have been literally any one else that that I freaked out on instead of you. Because at the end of my day I still think you’re a good match for me and that we could have had an amazing relationship.

But if I could, I would give you my full history. Maybe it would help you understand why I am broken the way that I am. My ex husband was my first everything, including kiss. I met him at my first full time job at a call center and he had a girlfriend. Now she was the definition of bat shit crazy, constantly taking pills and passing out, cutting herself, trashing the bathroom at work etc. Any way, we clicked and I liked him but knew he had a girlfriend. She violated her parole and we both thought she’d be sent back to prison. So I ended up hooking up with him because I wanted to get the first time over with. My mom had always told me to save it for someone special so I felt guilty about it and tried to turn it into something more. We continued to hook up until his girlfriend got out a few weeks later. We agreed to stop but we didn’t, I couldn’t let go of him and he liked the attention. So this continued for almost a year.

I eventually got tired of begging him to leave her for me even tho he was unhappy with her. So I took it upon myself to be the one to tell her what we’d been doing. He was angry with me at first but we still ended up getting together. We dated for three years before getting married, which is something I still regret doing. I wasn’t in love any more but I figured no one else would ever love me. We also had an open relationship and while we had agreed to be honest about everything we did, he still did everything behind my back.

Two months after we got married, he slept with my best friend behind my back. Two of the people that I loved most in the world stabbed me in the back. I found out from a mutual friend who, like everyone else, had been lied to and told that I knew everything that had happened. She sent me the pictures and it was finally in that moment that he admitted to it. 

It was always that way with him, lies upon lies until I had the proof of what he’d done and then he’d come clean. Since we were married we decided to be monogamous and work on things. I got pregnant shortly after finding out about the night with my best friend. My pregnancy was miserable, filled with tears and drama. I’d catch him texting female friends for nudes, having inappropriate conversations with my female co-workers, and just five weeks after Aerilyn was born I caught him trying to hook up with a waitress that he worked with. I would have never caught him if I hadn’t trusted my intuition and put a tracker on his phone.

That should have been when I left. Our relationship was beyond repair, his sex addiction was never going to stop haunting me and I was never able to love him the same. In fact if anything I ended up with a lot of resentment towards him for everything he’d done that had hurt me. But I had no job, no car, no money and nowhere to go with a newborn stuck to me all the time. So I stayed, and it became more like a business agreement than a marriage.

Fast forward to Aerilyn being three and then the things came up that made it to where I couldn’t stay any more. Hurting me was one thing but hurting her was unacceptable to me. I have and always will love her more than myself and life itself.

Literally as things were falling apart, Colton sensed my weakness and went in for the kill. He knew that I had been infatuated with him and being a narcissist, he ate it up. He swept me off my feet with his bull shit lies and sweet talk. The first red flag was when he told me to, “fuck off,” because I was upset that he didn’t want to spend time with me. That was the beginning of a lot of emotional abuse, and a lot of ugly things that were said to me.

No matter what I did I was never good enough for him. He was constantly berating me, accusing me of being a slut and cheating on him. Then came the “jokes” that he’d blow my brains out if I ever cheated on him, that no one would ever find my body out on the ranch. He’d always find a way to make up for it, by sending me sweet romantic songs and telling me that he loved me. There was a lot of sweetness between all the insults and threats. I guess I saw in him the brokenness that I see in myself and wanted to show the world that he was still a good person deep down.

I realize now that of course he isn’t. There was a reason that I had a panic attack the time he called me after you and I started talking. The amount of fear I felt at the thought of him coming back into my life and suffocating my happiness with his controlling nature was overwhelming.

My anxiety from the emotional and psychological abuse that I have endured is a lot like a panic attack. It’s a constant battle in my head to fight the negativity that was repeated to me over and over by someone that I deeply loved. When I have that kind of noise inside my head and it takes over I lose the ability to see things rationally. I try to turn to friends that know my tendency to get lost in the noise and have them calm me down. Unfortunately that night there was no positive response from any one that I tried to talk to, and it only made it worse. I really wasn’t ever trying to dump you through Facebook, I am not the type to dump any one (obviously based on my past alone) even when I actually should, and I’d also never do it over Facebook. I can be a bitch but I’m not that much of a bitch. 

I realize now that because of those two relationships, I’m just too broken to be loved. I wanted to be angry with you for not understanding me, for not being able to handle my neurotic tendencies. But I’m not going to ask you to put up with me. I’m sure you can find someone that’s not nearly as damaged as me that will be a better match for you. 

I miss you though, and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t spent a lot of time crying and beating myself up for ruining our relationship. I have a feeling you’ll probably be the one that got away for me but I guess in the end it’s probably better for me to be alone. At least this way my broken pieces can’t hurt any one else. I will always be here if you ever want to talk or even be friends. I may be broken but I’m not entirely worthless at least.

Burn

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I look back on everything and realize how foolish I’ve been. I can’t​ stop thinking about it all and all I can hope is that you get what you deserve.

I’m not jealous at all. Maybe a little at first but the truth is you don’t love Sami. You never loved me, and you never loved Charity either. In fact the only person that you know how to love is yourself. You, Colton Emil Edward Nelson, are a textbook case of narcissistic personality disorder.

I was just a toy to you. Someone that fell in love with you so hard that you knew you could drag me through hell and back just for fun. You know what the worst part is? Having to explain to my daughter that you were no better than Prince Hans of the Southern Isles. She’s only four, but she has seen Frozen enough times to understand that you only pretended to be nice to use me.

I guess I just don’t understand. I mean yeah I get using me for sex (even tho it was only twice and it was terrible, you’re very selfish even in bed) but the emotional abuse I just don’t understand. Why? Did you get some sort of sick satisfaction demanding things of me and then accusing me of not doing them? Was it fun to make me tell you that I loved you when you didn’t love me? Did it make you feel good about yourself that you had power over me? That’s all love is to you – power. And just like money, you love power and don’t care who you destroy to stroke your own ego.

I’m not sure if anything you told me was the truth now. I bet there’s no real ranch, you were never in the military and you probably assaulted Charity that time that I bailed you out of jail. Oh and for the record I still want my fucking bail money back. Because unlike you, I’m not a spoiled brat with money to wipe my ass with. Unlike you I’m a real human being with a real heart that you tried to destroy. Well guess what? You didn’t and I feel sorry for Sami and her kids. They’re going to watch you abuse her psychologically and emotionally and think that it’s acceptable behavior in a relationship.

You’ve taught me a few things tho. First of all to be weary of the charming men who will “do anything” to make me “theirs”. Funny how that didn’t work out for you considering I was never going to be a full doormat and change for you. Second of all I’ve learned that my daughter deserves to see me with a REAL man that won’t disrespect me or call me names or treat me like shit all while talking to someone else and pretending to love me.

You’re nothing but an immature child, and I hope one day you’ll stop destroying the women you pretend to love. Maybe one day you’ll get the mental help you so desperately need and learn how to actually love someone without abusing them. 

Oh and you know what? I did actually cheat on you with Eric, on Christmas night to be exact. That’s the sad part, you hurt me so much and pushed me so far away that I wanted so badly to hurt you back. Guess it’s a good thing you never really loved me any way, otherwise you might have actually been hurt by that. But you have no heart, so you can’t be hurt. Now that you’re gone, you’re never going to hurt me again and I’m so happy you have no power over me any more.

Again, I just hope you get what you deserve…

Over

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It’s hard to believe that it’s really over. I need to let go but I am terrified because everything that you told me was a lie. I’m so afraid of getting fooled again and the universe knows I’m the biggest fool in the world for listening to you for so long. I wish I’d never believed in you. You pretended to be different and you were just the same as the rest. My heart is even more broken than I thought was possible because you saw my weakness and went in for the kill. I was such an easy target for you and I can’t believe I never saw you for what you really are until it was too late. I wish I could erase you from everything but instead I’m left choking on your toxic poison for the last time.