I know why the caged bird sings

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I’m sure there are a few people in my life who are tired of hearing my threats to leave my husband. The truth of the matter is that it’s just not that simple. It’s not as if I could pack my things and go. I cannot and will not take my daughter to my parent’s house. It’s so mold infested and filthy, she would get sick. I don’t really have any other options, short of a women’s shelter. In order to get housing, I must have some form of paperwork saying we are separated or divorced. Lawyers are not cheap. Essentially, I would be stuck here for however long it takes to get everything sorted out, if I did actually try and leave. I would also lose a lot of support that is given to us by his family.

Not only that but there’s the matter of my husband. He would want custody, I already know. His mother would easily hire him a lawyer to fight me for custody . I do not want my baby to be subjected to being dragged through the courts because he can’t be civilized and let her be with her mother.

He is also the father of my child. No one else can fill that role, no mater how badly I wish she was not his sometimes. He is a good father at least, even if he can’t always be a good husband.

I also always have believed (even if I am not really religious) that marriage is indeed a sacred bond that should not be thrown out so easily. Yes, I’m sure there has been more than enough to have grounds for divorce, but I’ve always been the type to try until I can’t any more to repair something before throwing it out.

The sad fact is, is that if it weren’t for his addiction, he would be a great husband. He does chores, cooks, takes care of our daughter without any complaints, and always has a job that he takes seriously. I’ve even managed to get him to be more responsible with his money.

So yes, there are days when all i want to do is scream at him, hurt him in any way I can, and run away, but it never really seems like an option any more.

I do regret getting married, for both legal and emotional reasons, but I’ve never regretted the fact that I fell in love in the first place. Despite everything that has happened, there have been good moments in it all, and I have a beautiful baby that keeps me going no matter what.

Who knows, maybe people can actually change, and maybe a day will come when he won’t have a problem any more. I won’t wait forever, but for now I’m stuck until I can make it out on my own if need be. Let’s just hope there won’t be any need.

Now Hiring Plus Size Models!

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yay!

Gloomth & the Cult of Melancholy

One thing we’re often asked about is the lack of diversity in the size of the models in our catalogue shoots. I’ve tried to remedy this to an extent by modelling for some shoots personally, but it’s a bit tricky for me to coordinate, style, and then model- I’m much better off directing than starring. So we would like to put a call out to local models who’d fit some of our larger sizes! 😀

Royal Afternoon

If you’re a curvier girl suiting an alternative aesthetic we’d love to hear from you, as we’ve had some difficulty finding models of this type. At this time we’re seeking models who fit any size in our XL to 2XL range. You need to be local to the GTA as this is where we shoot. No preferences for race/hair color/age/etc. You don’t need to be a professional model, just comfortable and expressive in front of…

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Too Much

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Again I’m finding my head space overcrowded. I start college Monday and I’m nervous. My first semester should be fairly easy, but it’s just the fact that I haven’t been to school in six years that gets to me. I hated high school, I was so lazy and I feel like I really missed the opportunity to learn a lot of things. Now, I know I am going to pay for that careless mistake. I had so much going on tho, emotionally. And you can’t tell a teenager that they are wrong, they have the mindset that they know what is best for them regardless of the wisdom of age that elders may offer.

I just want to do the best I can do in school, while still being a good mom. I love my daughter so much, more than anything. I know I say that a lot, but I could not live without her now that I know what a wonderful little girl she is. I just want to help shape her into the best person she can be. I want her to learn everything she can, to be smart and wise so that she can accomplish her dreams.

It seems like it’s going to be very hard tho, juggling being a mom, going to school and working. I don’t want to miss anything, those milestones that kids reach, they only happen once. Those precious moments in time, you simply cannot get back once they are gone. Time slips through my fingers like sand, I try so hard to grasp these moments, hold onto them and revel in their beauty and joy as long as possible. Life is too short to lose the important moments. I know I am going to be heartbroken if I miss anything because of all my other responsibilities.

It just brings me back to the saying, “it takes a village to raise a child.” It is so true, and it also sometimes makes me long for simpler times. A time when women banded together to raise children, support each other and their mates so that the whole community could be successful and taken care of. Nowadays, we’re all so connected by technology but disconnected in our hearts. It’s become a dog-eat-dog world, and I just don’t think that’s how it is supposed to be. However I’m sure us poor humans are incapable of the higher thinking that is required for us to let go of petty material things and money.

There is nothing I can do to change this world and make it the way that I want it. So I’m just here, trying to do whatever I can to make the world that I have with my loved ones better. If I can’t make it better for everyone, I can at least make it better for the people who matter the most. That’s all I could ever really hope for I guess.

Life is weird, who knows why we’re really here but instead of questioning things or people as to why they are the way they are, I think I’m learning to accept things and move on. Nothing can be accomplished if I get lost in those questions. Instead I have to ask myself, what do I want to do that will make me happy? What can I do that will also make the people I love the most happy? Right now, that answer is college. Money has never really made much sense to me, just a number that controls our lives, but if I need it to make a good life for myself and my child, then I will find a way to get as much as I need.

There is no good that can come from too much or too little of something, I suppose life is just one big balancing act. One good thing about my life so far, is I have the joy of motherhood. There is at least one good factor for happiness, so I know I’m on the right path here. I think I can accomplish anything I set my heart to, just have to think of that sweet smile that I see every morning.