I’m sure there are a few people in my life who are tired of hearing my threats to leave my husband. The truth of the matter is that it’s just not that simple. It’s not as if I could pack my things and go. I cannot and will not take my daughter to my parent’s house. It’s so mold infested and filthy, she would get sick. I don’t really have any other options, short of a women’s shelter. In order to get housing, I must have some form of paperwork saying we are separated or divorced. Lawyers are not cheap. Essentially, I would be stuck here for however long it takes to get everything sorted out, if I did actually try and leave. I would also lose a lot of support that is given to us by his family.
Not only that but there’s the matter of my husband. He would want custody, I already know. His mother would easily hire him a lawyer to fight me for custody . I do not want my baby to be subjected to being dragged through the courts because he can’t be civilized and let her be with her mother.
He is also the father of my child. No one else can fill that role, no mater how badly I wish she was not his sometimes. He is a good father at least, even if he can’t always be a good husband.
I also always have believed (even if I am not really religious) that marriage is indeed a sacred bond that should not be thrown out so easily. Yes, I’m sure there has been more than enough to have grounds for divorce, but I’ve always been the type to try until I can’t any more to repair something before throwing it out.
The sad fact is, is that if it weren’t for his addiction, he would be a great husband. He does chores, cooks, takes care of our daughter without any complaints, and always has a job that he takes seriously. I’ve even managed to get him to be more responsible with his money.
So yes, there are days when all i want to do is scream at him, hurt him in any way I can, and run away, but it never really seems like an option any more.
I do regret getting married, for both legal and emotional reasons, but I’ve never regretted the fact that I fell in love in the first place. Despite everything that has happened, there have been good moments in it all, and I have a beautiful baby that keeps me going no matter what.
Who knows, maybe people can actually change, and maybe a day will come when he won’t have a problem any more. I won’t wait forever, but for now I’m stuck until I can make it out on my own if need be. Let’s just hope there won’t be any need.