Silver Swan

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The silver swan, who living had no note, when death approached, unlocked her silent throat; Leaning her breast against the reedy shore, Thus sung her first and last, and sung no more: “Farewell, all joys; Oh death, come close mine eyes; More geese than swans now live, more fools than wise.”

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Respect

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Why do people never realize that respect is a two way street? I’m supposed to respect your time but yet mine isn’t valued at all. I’m not going to blow my kid off for any one and to just throw away an opportunity to spend my free time with me is really insulting. I’m tired of the sweet talk with no action. It tells me this isn’t serious and I’m not going to waste my time on anything casual. I understand taking things slow but it’s been over a month and I’ve yet to be taken on a real date. Yet random ass girls get taken out for dinner. I just don’t understand and I’m not willing to keep putting myself out there only to be pushed away over and over again. I don’t have time for heartbreak and disappointment when I’ve spent the last eight years of my life dealing with it.

Why is it so hard to find someone who will take me seriously? I don’t think it’s ever going to happen and I feel like such a fool for thinking that any guy would be any different from the previous men in my life. I’m just going to give up, I should’ve never let my heart get carried away any way. I wish I could kill all these feelings, they’re only meant to hurt and scar me in the end. Love isn’t supposed to hurt and I will never find someone safe.

Actions speak louder than words 

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I’m getting really sick of hearing one thing but being shown something else entirely. Ready to just give up and let go because it’s obvious that I’m not really that important. I’m always the fool any way…

“Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth, mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs. Speak no feeling, no I don’t believe you. You don’t care a bit.”

One day we won’t feel this pain any more

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Reading through a lot of my old posts and I’m starting to realize just how unhappy I’ve been over the last year or so. I know my fear of leaving, of depending on others has kept me in a very dark place. One post in specific sticks out to me, where I said that my ex would be vindictive if I left and would try to screw me over. Why do I never listen to my intuition on these things? He really is a monster, and he really is going to try to screw me over. 

I just want this to be over and I know it’s going to take time. I’ve always regretted getting married, from the moment I did it and still even now. I can’t pretend that love will never hurt but the things I have suffered through are unforgivable and I will never forget the true face of the monster I once loved. I can’t wait until the day comes that I don’t have to hide my love and hide my happiness at finding someone who wants me and won’t share me. There will be a day when I can just cuddle up to him at the end of my day and nothing else will matter in that moment. It’s not easy to wait but I guess the best things in life are worth waiting for. 

I’m going to try to learn to let go of the resentment I’ve always felt towards myself for being trapped in this cage. I’m far from perfect but I can admit that loving my ex was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life. The only beautiful thing to ever come from it was my daughter.

My sweet ducky, I hurt the most for her. She is the one who will be hurt the most by all of this and I wish I could protect her from it all. I still remember the day of Sandy Hook, clutching my stomach knowing a day would come when I couldn’t keep her safe from everything bad in this world. It terrified me then but knowing she was safe in my womb was a little soothing for the time being. She’s my heart and I would give anything to make this easier for her and if I could take the pain for her I would, without a second thought. I just want her to know how much I love her and how much I want the best for her, no matter how hard it is for me to accept whatever she chooses in life.

I need to get some sleep. Last night was one of the worst nights of my life and I know now that I must do whatever it takes to get away, and as quickly as possible. I can’t keep putting up with the emotional and psychological abuse from my ex and I want to get away from him more than anything right now. I wish those choosing to stand by him knew what I’ve been through, but they will never know or understand what he’s done to me or even our daughter.