The Things I Want You to Know

I don’t even know where to begin. I could start by apologizing again, but I don’t think that does any good. I’m sure you’re throughly convinced that I’m bat shit crazy and I’m not sure if there’s anything I can do to change your mind on that. I don’t believe bat shit crazy is really the right term but broken definitely fits.

I’m really disappointed in myself. I know now that there’s no point in trying to date any one ever again. I just wish more than anything that I hadn’t ruined my chances with you. I wish it could have been literally any one else that that I freaked out on instead of you. Because at the end of my day I still think you’re a good match for me and that we could have had an amazing relationship.

But if I could, I would give you my full history. Maybe it would help you understand why I am broken the way that I am. My ex husband was my first everything, including kiss. I met him at my first full time job at a call center and he had a girlfriend. Now she was the definition of bat shit crazy, constantly taking pills and passing out, cutting herself, trashing the bathroom at work etc. Any way, we clicked and I liked him but knew he had a girlfriend. She violated her parole and we both thought she’d be sent back to prison. So I ended up hooking up with him because I wanted to get the first time over with. My mom had always told me to save it for someone special so I felt guilty about it and tried to turn it into something more. We continued to hook up until his girlfriend got out a few weeks later. We agreed to stop but we didn’t, I couldn’t let go of him and he liked the attention. So this continued for almost a year.

I eventually got tired of begging him to leave her for me even tho he was unhappy with her. So I took it upon myself to be the one to tell her what we’d been doing. He was angry with me at first but we still ended up getting together. We dated for three years before getting married, which is something I still regret doing. I wasn’t in love any more but I figured no one else would ever love me. We also had an open relationship and while we had agreed to be honest about everything we did, he still did everything behind my back.

Two months after we got married, he slept with my best friend behind my back. Two of the people that I loved most in the world stabbed me in the back. I found out from a mutual friend who, like everyone else, had been lied to and told that I knew everything that had happened. She sent me the pictures and it was finally in that moment that he admitted to it. 

It was always that way with him, lies upon lies until I had the proof of what he’d done and then he’d come clean. Since we were married we decided to be monogamous and work on things. I got pregnant shortly after finding out about the night with my best friend. My pregnancy was miserable, filled with tears and drama. I’d catch him texting female friends for nudes, having inappropriate conversations with my female co-workers, and just five weeks after Aerilyn was born I caught him trying to hook up with a waitress that he worked with. I would have never caught him if I hadn’t trusted my intuition and put a tracker on his phone.

That should have been when I left. Our relationship was beyond repair, his sex addiction was never going to stop haunting me and I was never able to love him the same. In fact if anything I ended up with a lot of resentment towards him for everything he’d done that had hurt me. But I had no job, no car, no money and nowhere to go with a newborn stuck to me all the time. So I stayed, and it became more like a business agreement than a marriage.

Fast forward to Aerilyn being three and then the things came up that made it to where I couldn’t stay any more. Hurting me was one thing but hurting her was unacceptable to me. I have and always will love her more than myself and life itself.

Literally as things were falling apart, Colton sensed my weakness and went in for the kill. He knew that I had been infatuated with him and being a narcissist, he ate it up. He swept me off my feet with his bull shit lies and sweet talk. The first red flag was when he told me to, “fuck off,” because I was upset that he didn’t want to spend time with me. That was the beginning of a lot of emotional abuse, and a lot of ugly things that were said to me.

No matter what I did I was never good enough for him. He was constantly berating me, accusing me of being a slut and cheating on him. Then came the “jokes” that he’d blow my brains out if I ever cheated on him, that no one would ever find my body out on the ranch. He’d always find a way to make up for it, by sending me sweet romantic songs and telling me that he loved me. There was a lot of sweetness between all the insults and threats. I guess I saw in him the brokenness that I see in myself and wanted to show the world that he was still a good person deep down.

I realize now that of course he isn’t. There was a reason that I had a panic attack the time he called me after you and I started talking. The amount of fear I felt at the thought of him coming back into my life and suffocating my happiness with his controlling nature was overwhelming.

My anxiety from the emotional and psychological abuse that I have endured is a lot like a panic attack. It’s a constant battle in my head to fight the negativity that was repeated to me over and over by someone that I deeply loved. When I have that kind of noise inside my head and it takes over I lose the ability to see things rationally. I try to turn to friends that know my tendency to get lost in the noise and have them calm me down. Unfortunately that night there was no positive response from any one that I tried to talk to, and it only made it worse. I really wasn’t ever trying to dump you through Facebook, I am not the type to dump any one (obviously based on my past alone) even when I actually should, and I’d also never do it over Facebook. I can be a bitch but I’m not that much of a bitch. 

I realize now that because of those two relationships, I’m just too broken to be loved. I wanted to be angry with you for not understanding me, for not being able to handle my neurotic tendencies. But I’m not going to ask you to put up with me. I’m sure you can find someone that’s not nearly as damaged as me that will be a better match for you. 

I miss you though, and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t spent a lot of time crying and beating myself up for ruining our relationship. I have a feeling you’ll probably be the one that got away for me but I guess in the end it’s probably better for me to be alone. At least this way my broken pieces can’t hurt any one else. I will always be here if you ever want to talk or even be friends. I may be broken but I’m not entirely worthless at least.

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