I’m sitting here thinking about romantic love and it feels so pointless and useless to me. I don’t see why I should ever open my heart up to any one ever again. The last time I even tried I was rejected after getting my hopes up that for once someone understood me. I know I’m not perfect and I’m trying hard to be better, stronger. However I just can’t imagine any one ever being able to see everything in me and still love me, broken pieces and all.
I once had someone that loved me even when it was hard, but how can you continue to love someone that hurts you? I actually thanked Marc the other night when I was mourning my eternally broken heart. I told him, “thank you for loving me even when it wasn’t easy,” and he told me, “loving you was always easy for me, I’m sorry for messing everything up,” and that’s when I really started to cry. I have long since forgiven him for everything he did that hurt me so deeply because I know that his sex addiction was in control more often than he ever was. I know we’re better as friends now but what we once had was beautiful. I just don’t think I’ll ever have that again.
There’s a song that I’ve been playing on repeat lately, and it’s called Hurricane. She sings about ‘breaking down from breaking in’, and says, “give me the wings to fly”. I know I am the only one that can give myself the wings that I need to fly. I don’t expect any one to be able to “fix” me because I know that is my own responsibility. It also feels like too much to ask that any one even stick by me through trying to heal these wounds and still love me even when I’m an irrational, emotional mess. I feel like the right person loving me and showing me that romantic love doesn’t have to hurt would help in my healing process by leaps and bounds. I also can’t imagine finding any one that can do that that I connect with on a deeper level; the odds of that happening just seem improbable – impossible even.
Am I really so broken that it’s that awful and intolerable? That’s certainly how I feel after having been dumped after an anxiety attack gone awry. I’m trying so hard to tell myself that the right person will understand and not push me away but I also feel like that person simply does not exist.
I really think I should just give up. After all, it’s my desire to be loved and accepted that got me all this excess emotional damage to begin with. I pushed for Marc to love me and while I know he truly did, it was an unhealthy relationship that I should have left much sooner. It’s my endless faith and hope in the glimpses of good that I see in people that has hurt me so much. I never wanted to give up hope that Marc would be the man that I needed him to be, or that Colton would love and accept me the way that I am. But they both abused me emotionally in their own ways (unintentionally and intentionally, respectively) and left me with more wounds to cope with. I let them cut me and then stayed to watch myself bleed hoping for a different end result. I guess that’s insanity, repeating the same action hoping for a different reaction.
I don’t really know how to proceed when it comes to romantic love. I suppose it doesn’t even matter given there’s no one in my life that could even love me that way. There is only one person that I know understands me and accepts me as is, but he has long since given up on romantic love. I don’t blame him at all, I really should just do the same myself because there’s no hope for me in the end. All I truly have is myself and my child, I should consider myself lucky to even have known the unconditional love of my daughter and my father. Romantic love at this point just seems like something magical and truly only exists in movies and fictional pieces of literature. I see couples that are happy and have a great relationship but I know that’s just not my fate.
I wish I could say that I don’t believe in myself, or that I think I’m worthless. But I’m so far past that train of thought after learning to move past the emotional abuse that my mother put me through. I know I have improvements to make but I still know my own worth at the end of the day. My anxiety from my emotional abuse sometimes skews that view but I guess it’s more of a feeling that I’m simply too hard to understand. There’s very few people in my life that I feel like really and truly understand me. So to expect a lover to ever be on that level of understanding just seems stupid to me. Why should any one want to put up with my neurotic bull shit long enough to see the good in me? What’s the point in having a good heart when it’s always too broken for any one to love?
I don’t know what else to say any more. I relate so much to the part of Hurricane where she says, “it’s impossible for what’s left of this to be saved and it’s sinking in that my being here’s a mistake; erase – forget I was here.”