Homeless

Not in the physical sense, but in the sense of love. I don’t know love any more. I sometimes wish more than anything that someone would come into my life and see all the pieces of me and love them. I mean all of them too: my bitter anger, my sweet kindness, my warm affection, my cold winter-born tears of sadness, my bubbly laughter and bright joy, my dark sorrow, my curiosity, my fiesty energy. But every time I think someone understands me, I’m abandoned and left behind. Everyone goes away in the end, I don’t know why I ever expect any one to want to stay. Even if they do try I tend to push them away because I know I’m too needy. I need reassurance all the time that I am valued and cherished. My mind still tells me I’m a bother, that no one really likes me, that they will all get tired of me and leave.

I just want love, and I know I don’t need it to be completed. I am okay by myself most of the time but sometimes I just want someone to hold me and take away my loneliness. Sometimes at night I just want someone to kiss before going to sleep. Am I so unlovable? I don’t think I’m so bad but I still feel like no one will ever see the inside of my heart and love it the way that I deserve. I am so tired of lovers that don’t love me the way that I love them. I am far too tired to keep fighting everyone off that has mal intent when it comes to my heart. Why don’t people just love with all their hearts any more? Am I the only one that gives their all any more? Maybe that’s my mistake, maybe I’m giving too much of myself. For once I just really want someone to persue me, instead of me trying to win someone over they should be the ones to seek my heart as their prize. I don’t see that ever happening tho, I am meant to be alone forever I guess 😞

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